April 18th 2009

I have a confession to make. I don't think I have ever felt this lonely or isolated. For years, I craved being away from everyone and having someone to talk to. Now that I do, I still feel that empty feeling inside. It's something I can't hide or make go away. Star is in Ohio, all my friends are in college and have turned into Mr. Hyde. It must be a college thing but I hope to God I don't drink that elixir. I try to reach out to people but they are so far away that I can't stretch far enough. The few I can reach make me feel like I'm more of a pest than a friend. And there you go, boys and girls, the truth of life is that no matter who you think your friends are, they're just mirages in disguise. Like a lonely lost man in the desert, desperately going for that oasis, only to find it is just a shadow and gets pricked by the cactus he thought was a palm tree. As Bob Dylan said, “There must be some way out of here”.
I crave the recognition that I'm not a monotone, mumble-speeched retard people take me for. When my speech goes all haywire because of my sinuses making my tongue swell, I feel like a lower-life form trying to communicate with geniuses. I feel people stare at me, like someone staring at the bearded lady or the conjoined twins at Freak Shows. I play guitar but no one even knows that. I think I do well but shutter at the mere thought of approaching a stage with guitar in-hand. I get nervous too easy and my mind takes a hike when the pulse accelerates. I've written hundreds of poems and songs, and very few anyone have read, but all I get is a few few “oh thats good” and “you're talented”, “blah blah blah”.
I feel like I'm approaching my own oasis, only beginning to realize it isn't there. Eventually, in due time, I will prick my hands on that cactus, and in all likelihood, I will just go in search of another mirage just like everyone else in this world. SOS, my friend; SSDD. “Keep on truckin'”. “Life's a garden; dig it”. “Smile like you mean it”.